With the Canucks’ 2024-2025 regular season still a couple of months away, here are our predictions for the most absurd, outrageous, and unbelievable season that the team could have.
September: Coaches cut 95% of the roster.
After a poor training camp that sees most players arrive out of shape and not ready to play, Head Coach Rick Tocchet and the rest of the coaching staff decide to do the most unbelievable thing possible — cut every single player on the team. The only one whose job is saved is Dakota Joshua, having kept with him Coach Tocchet’s reminder to “pick it up.”
October: Canucks lose their home opener 8-1.
Like a cruel twist of fate, the home-opener arrives and delivers a punch right to Canucks Nation’s face. The roles are reversed as the Canucks are the team beaten 8-1 in their first game of the season rather than being the ones to beat a team by that margin. Who knows, maybe this outcome could propel the Canucks to a Stanley Cup Final as well.
November: Canucks lower beer prices to $5.
This one may be the most outrageous prediction of them all. Due to their slanted home opening loss, the Canucks see a dip in attendance numbers and are forced to do the one thing that would bring fans back to Rogers Arena — lowering the prices of beer. Ticket prices remain the same price, however.
December: Canucks are caught spying on other teams with a drone and are forced to spend their Christmas break doing Travis Green-styled bag skates.
A member of an opposing team spots Fin flying a drone around their practice facility and exposes them to the NHL. Subsequently, the league deems that the Canucks will be punished for spying on opposing teams’ practices, with the result being that they will have their Christmas break taken away. As an added punishment, the NHL hires Travis Green to make the team do his infamous bag skates, including the Canucks’ current coaching staff.
January: Canucks go 15-0 on the month.
In what may be their most challenging stretch of the season, the Canucks do the same thing they did the previous season — have a stellar winning record in January. While jokes aside, it would be great for the team not to register a single loss in one month’s worth of games, it’s unlikely they are able to do this in a month that has them playing games every second day.
February: Canucks don’t make a trade a month before the NHL Trade Deadline.
A recent pattern that has occurred is the month-early trade deadline movements that Canucks…