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Whoa! So we got a hockey team! It feels like Small Lake City is finally growing up and going through puberty. Part of the puberty process is getting pubes, and I feel like all the stupid downtown condos and now a hockey team are Salt Lake’s metaphorical pubes. We still aren’t fully developed, but like I did when I got my pubes, it’s important to name them.
Before I get into what we should name the team, and I really don’t have many creative options because I don’t care that much about hockey, I do want to take a minute to talk about Ryan Smith, the current Jazz owner who got the hockey team here. So, like, he’s a billionaire, and he’s gonna have us, the taxpayers, pay for the arena, and appease us by letting us pick some shitty name? Billionaires should never ask us peasants for money, in any kind of way, in my opinion. If the hockey team is your new toy, fine, but you fucking pay for it.
Okay, that being said, by the time this article drops there may already be a name for our new hockey team, which we got from Arizona. Now, Arizona has very little business having a hockey team—that place is a desert and hot as shit. Salt Lake actually has snow and hosted a Winter Olympics one time. Also, the headquarters from my last job that just fired me and a bunch of other people is in Phoenix, so fuck you. So I kind of have to take back a little bit about what I said in my last paragraph about Ryan Smith, and say props, man! I still don’t want to pay for it, though.
So, as far as the name goes, my first inclination for the name was the SALT LAKE C-GOALS! Because of our ironic state bird, which is actually the California Seagull, but like, hockey guys are supposed to score goals, right? So that’s my pick and I’m sticking with it. As far as hockey in general goes, I honestly don’t know too much about it. Although my best friend Mike Abu still plays hockey. Slap Shot, starring Paul Newman and the Hanson brothers, is one of the best sports movies ever. And I do respect a proper hockey fight. Slapshot is also still one of my favorite straight edge bands and the Hanson brothers ruled in that movie. So maybe a good name is the Salt Lake Slap Shots? Or the Utah Hanson Bros?
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